Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Status: Mind Melt & Confusion

It's no secret that I have been dealing with someone for the last couple of years.  The same guy I quit shooting boy/girl for and have yet to get back into the game fully.  It's also no secret that he's broken my heart countless times, hurt me and neglected our relationship for other endeavors.  This we all know.  What you don't know?  For whatever fucked up reason I can't get this man out of my heart and out of my mind.

There was a time his texts and calls gave me butterflies.  Now they give me migraines.  WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF?  I mean SERIOUSLY, I can have any man I want... but for some dumb reason I keep dealing with the douche bags who treat me like shit, and don't provide me with the things I NEED let along the things I want!

I have been torn, trying to figure out why or how to deal with this.  I am a STRONG independent woman who doesn't need to have a man in her life, so why am I holding on?  It's like my heart says he is the one, but the one for who?  I want romance, stability, honesty, and devotion.  A man that will be there when I need him a best friend.  The kind of guy who I can go to sporting events to and just chill, relax and cool out with.

Him and I have been in this unhealthy circle of chaos for WAY too long, and I've given him more than ample opportunity to mend his area of destruction.  I have decided to see him this weekend and I think I am going to let it out, and let him go.  He still thinks there is a chance of us making up and being together again but I am finally at that point of complete exhaustion.

Normally, I would've cut loose a LONG time ago... but because I loved this man I held on and tried to make it work.  I am quick to find a reason to move on... and for this one I've been finding reasons to stay.  I've run out and going to lay it all on the line.  All of our time has been fighting by phone, so for him to see my face and experience my genuine emotion will help him realize that there is just too much hurt to heal.

I am sharing this with you because many of you only see the porn side of me... or the drama side.  There is a VERY human side with feelings and a yearning for love, companionship and friendship.  Still unfulfilled, I will not be looking and not trying to get to know anyone (just FYI) simply sharing that's all.

THanks for reading!

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